mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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