We're facebook friends in real life
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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