so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
