During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
