If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just google imaged poop.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
