The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
