I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
