did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
