hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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