I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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