I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
