If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
