Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
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I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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