Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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