well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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