Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
