well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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