1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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