I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
