I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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