I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
