I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
