dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this beer tastes like vomit already
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
