Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
