I hate your face
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
