Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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