also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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