PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
