Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I stole a fireplace last night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
