my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
