nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is Oprah even human
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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