that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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