Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
