Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
