How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
