i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip