My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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