i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
