The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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