Im at strip club and am horny
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
