Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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