Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out