Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
