Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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