I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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