Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
