This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
