He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
