I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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