Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
