I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
