"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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