i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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