Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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