do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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